Why Saar or Sir ji?

During our teenage days back home, each time my mother would spot us sisters sitting idle or doing things of no great value or sitting cross-legged, she would admonish us by saying, “ Why do you sit like a ‘Maddamma’? The word seemed very derogatory because she would at times use it abusively as well. Whenever she had to comment on a relative who was in her bad books or when she had a difference of opinion with some of the ladies, her tone and intonation while using the word ‘Maddamma’ would vary. So much so that a day came when we decided to check the Oxford Dictionary for the meaning of the word ‘Maddamma’ only to read about a Goddess named ‘Maddamma’. For sure, when counter checked with my mother, she was unaware of the existence of such a goddess in her parts of the village. Gradually, during our conversation that evening, she told us that she had picked the word from her mother and during her childhood days, the British ladies were addressed as Madams, and that which was pronounced ‘Maddamma’ by the Tulu natives.

Likewise, it was ‘Sir’, which refers to men of position and of the old parish schools that she attended. They were instructed to address all the men of rank who visited school during special occasions as Sirs. The Father of the School was ‘padri’ and the Mother and other Sisters who visited the chapel, were ‘madri’. Conclusion: all superior men of rank were Sirs and all elders were addressed as Sirs and all superior women were ‘Madams’. ‘Maddamma’ was the Tulu equivalent of Madam.

As we were schooled, we were also taught the same polite way of addressing until the last few decades, when the colonial Sirs and Madams were replaced by the names of the addressees. Corporate culture taught us how to drop the Mister as in Mr. and the Mistress as in Ms. and Miss. Addressing people by their names, it was believed, destroyed the distancing between people. Over the years, I realised, Sir and Madam implied that they were older and this brought discomfort in a few. While in India, the older generations expected people to address them with titles of respect, some of them chose not to observe the same ‘social distance’. At times, I observed, people were not even aware of the etymology of these formal terms and nobody and everybody was addressed as Sir and Madam.

Shying away from these formal modes of address, especially at the workplace, and where gender inequality and sexism played a critical role; had people sneering at you and at times not even responding to you. Any male colleague of yours expected you to address them as Sir and this made life and workplace a place of comfort. This made it a bit disconcerting, especially for me when people made me feel as if I had made a faux pas. Equality begins even with the way we address each other, says the feminist part of me. Affirming ourselves as individuals rather than making relationships offensive and wounding the vanity of people is what I would prefer. Even while at restaurants or in hospitals or other gatherings, I would rather choose to address the person by his name, especially when they carry their name tag on their clothes. This brings in bonding and I have noticed very often that the other person responds calmly and at times goes out of his way to make it hospitable for you when you address him or her by name.

Ours is a formal country and the common greeting followed is the ‘namaste’ and respecting our elders and respect for women is ingrained in us. Holding people in regard, irrespective of their status in society or hierarchy, is primary. Children being groomed in this culture is equally of importance and etiquette is important in parenting. Raising them right is important for our society. But being forced to greet someone as Sir or Madam, is rather disconcerting whether in the workplace or in social gatherings. Unless the term “Sir” is being used in a connotation of respect for authority in the right settings, I feel there’s no place for it. Respect has to be earned and not freely given is what my mother would always say, but then when it came to societal manners, views and opinions changed quickly. With inflections, one hears varied pronunciation of these addresses as people call you ‘Sir ji’, ‘Saar’ down South of India and ‘Madam ji’, ‘Ma’am’ and ‘Madame’. In the world of technology, where words are shortened and names are modified, why does it offend people when you don’t address them as Sir or Madam. The ‘Maddamma’ was hilarious and tolerable as against some of these formalities.

I would be keen to read your responses to some of these antiquated formalities which left us questioning etiquette and mannerism, leading to a lot of confusion………